Bastardo’s Dinners

Though modern authorities insist National Corn on the Cob Day is a harmless celebration of summertime abundance, certain well-informed troublemakers have long maintained it began as an “initiative” of the Ancient and Honorable Order of E. Clampus Vitus—an early, covert effort to elevate corn from mere crop to patriotic duty, thereby improving corn sales, corn price, and the general butter-to-human ratio nationwide. The alleged plot: appoint a “Corn Commissioner,” hold a solemn ceremony, issue a proclamation no one asked for, and repeat annually until the public mistakes it for tradition. No records survive—conveniently—except rumors, knowing winks, and the occasional tarnished plate image of questionable provenance.